Worst Analogies in Essay Contest!

Worst Analogies in Essay Contest!

Years ago, I ran across a list of the Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay Contest (though I'm doubtful such a contest ever existed). Regardless, there are few analogies that surpass these, that evoke involuntary spasms of laughter (in me). I hope you enjoy these, as well!

By the way, an analogy is a comparison of one thing to another, often joined together by the word: like (technically, using like makes it a simile, which is a particular subset of analogies). The formula: "This is like that." Perhaps the most famous analogies come from Jesus' parables, many of which begin:

"The Kingdom of heaven is like ..." (e.g. like a mustard seed ... like a treasure hidden in a field ... like a pearl of great price ...).

The analogies below don't quite attain Jesus' eloquent standard. Nevertheless, the contestants tried harder than ... well ... a toothless beaver in Redwood National Forest.  

Worst Analogies

Where's The Pond?
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond, exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
"McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup." (ok, that was gross – but so vivid it deserved a place in the list).
"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality to it ... like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30 pm."
"Her eyes were like two brown circles with big, black dots in the center."
"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."
"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward one another, like two freight trains – one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph." (Math club members?)
Non-toxic = edible, right?
"The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon."
"He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something."
"It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools."
"Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master."
"She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up."

And my personal favorite ...

"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."

Happy Friday!